2000-06-18 - 04:25:59

i haven't written in this diaryland in awhile - not cause nothing hasan't been happening - maybe its the fact that i'm just lazy. I'm in malaysia right now. My parents just gave me a 'talk' and they were real close to having stay here cause my grades sucked last semester. They seem to think that dennis had to do some thing with it - well it wasan't only him - it was many things! As for Dennis - well i haven't spoken or heard to him in quite some time now. I have been giving it a lot of though - when i come back in August i really gotta break things off with him. I can't allow myself to be emotionally tied to him again. Like all this time that I have been in malaysia i keep thinking that he's with someone else - either physically involved with someone or involved in another way. Before I left i found a letter he had written dealon. It said something like "the only thing that keeps me from living my life completely is you" something along those lines - to me it read that he needed her in order to be complete but to him it was that she's hurt him enough blah blah blah and with her around his life is miserable. Of course I fell for that excuse but now that I think of it - my intuitions are prolly right. AgH! Why? I've only emailed him twice- once in response to his email and the other was to give him the codes so he could call me up here. ... hmm.. do you see something else that seems kind of odd - ME finding him free phone time to call ME ... where did his effort go? Well obviously there isn't any. So that's it for us - I can't do it now cause he's got my stuff and i DO want and NEED my stuff back. I know maybe what i'm doing is unfair - maybe i won't even go through with it but i have too. Besides i wouldn't have time for him if i am going to be involved too much in my studies right...

I know this is me jumping to conclusions but one night I called him through phonefree and well he picked up but couldn't hear me cause phonefree sux on my computer - shortly after dealon gets knocked off AOL im and i try calling Dennis again and its busy - so i can see it two ways - purely coincidence or Dennis called her up or something. Gawd why do i look into stupid little details? Ah well it bothers me so i will write it down.

I have also been having dreams - dreams I dunno how to describe. Not good ones though. Once I had this dream that i was over at Dennis's house and like i had left to go home but i had forgotten something so when i came back to get it he was on the phone to dealon and was all like 'i miss you' blah blah blah. then there was one where one of his friends conned me into hooking up with him so they would tell dennis that i tried getting with them. and then of course i had random sex dreams - one with sylvester stallone. heh. wierd huh? anyways - 3 years! 3 years and i can't even safely say he was ever faithfull to me. i was looking at old letters girls have sent him and his 'friend' angie would write on the cover of the envelope 'angie ridgway' ga ga ga. so yeah anyways - i've come to the conclusion that no man is ever faithful - definetely not dennis! so there you have it - some ravin and rantin.